Uncle Mitch’s Official Explanation of Real Estate agent terms:
Step-saver kitchen = you can just barely turn around in it
Super efficient layout = you can reach anything without walking more than 10 feet in any direction.
Compact design = perfect for people who weigh less than 140 pounds
Affordable = your children will no longer have to contribute towards the mortgage
Affordable = they will accept your second born in lieu of your first born
Fresh paint = covers the cat pee and mildew odor
Poor condition = you will probably fall through the floor during showings
Fair condition = bad condition
Good condition = not such good condition
Very good condition = we wish it were in better condition
Perfect for a large family = ultra wide doors
Perfect family compound = formerly used by a religious cult but the blood stains have been successfully removed
Full basement = you cannot fit another thing in the basement
Dry basement = used to be wet basement
Fully renovated = hidden problems
Adorable = under 400 square feet
Walk to all conveniences = across the street from a 24 hour convenience store
Walk to shopping = Salvation Army Thrift Store around the corner
Well-priced = couldn’t sell it for the previously listed price
Seller’s concession = they are willing to admit that it is in need of work
Garden tub = wash outside in the rain barrel
Charming = old
Original charm = very old
Classic original charm = very, very, old
Old World charm = still has outhouse in yard
Historic classic original charm = there are cave drawings on the living room walls
Minutes to the Thruway = you must sleep with noise canceling head gear
Just moments to the Thruway = the toilet accepts EZ Pass
Great for entertaining = has a stage with floor-to-ceiling poles in the family room
Patiently awaiting a new gardener’s touch = old gardener and his crop were taken away by the local authorities
Partial basement = hole in the dirt under the living room floor
Sweet = your grandmother would have enjoyed living in it, in fact her 1906 curtains are still hanging
1940’s house = has not see a bit of work for the last 70 years
1950's ranch = has not seen a bit of work for the last 60 years
1970's home = has not seen a bit of work for the last 40 years and has really ugly green shag carpets to boot, not to mention the plastic orange sink, tub, and toilet in the master bath
Perfect weekend retreat = you cannot stay there for more than 2 days at a time without becoming asthmatic
Cute = absurdly tiny
Needs TLC = Total Location Clean-out
Easily expandable mountain views = volcanic eruption has been imminently predicted
Waterfront property = flood has not yet receded
Investment property: live in one side rent the other = you will need a second income to pay the mortgage, or your lazy brother-in-law moves in temporarily and forget the extra income for the next 10 years
Great floor plan makes home feel larger than it actually is = ridiculously too small
Deck perfect for outdoor entertaining = house to small for company inside
Private backyard = public front yard, or directly on the road
Cute as a button = very small and you will need to keep your sweater buttoned up all winter long due to inadequate heating system.
Up and coming neighborhood = red lights over the doors have been removed
Safe neighborhood = next to the fire house or police station or all neighbors are already in prison
Commercial possibilities = directly on the road
Commercial possibilities = you probably wouldn’t want to live in this house unless the old gas pumps are removed
Commercial possibilities = was formerly a funeral parlor
Commercial possibilities = used to be Honest Bert’s Used Car Lot until he was shot
Ample parking = numerous bare spots where the junk cars have been removed
Seasonal spring = basement flood in the spring
Year-round spring = very wet basement
Corner lot = no privacy
Nice area = right next to a bad area
Near state land = prison across the road
Rare opportunity = no one else would even think about buying this property
Sits well back from the road = near the property’s rear cliff area
Quiet neighborhood = everyone else has abandoned their homes
Quiet neighbors = next to a cemetery
Serene property = has an old cemetery right on it
Circa 1890 = original furnace, sinks, and cesspool
Country charm = has permanently installed hard-wired Billy Bass singing fish on the walls of each room
Most beautiful home in the area = overpriced
Owner says make offer = overpriced
Will listen to offers = he just got a new hearing aid
Offers considered = then laughed at
Priced to the market = overpriced
Bring all offers = our fax machine is out or overpriced
Apartment rents under market = you’re lucky to get these rents
Well-priced = still room for negotiation
Enjoy frequent visits from the surrounding wildlife = tick infested
Enjoy frequent visits from the surrounding wildlife = strip joint next door
Enjoy frequent visits from the surrounding wildlife = drunken neighbor pees on your bushes
Mature trees = call a tree service immediately after purchase limbs are about to collapse on the roof
High on a hill = very steep driveway
Water feature = property floods
Arts and crafts house = looks like it was built by some kids at a summer camp
Greek revival style = used to be a really good diner and could be one again with work
Historic = seller’s great uncle was friendly with a butler who’s niece once worked as a cleaning girl for the same company that used to maintain the Roosevelt estate’s barns
Quaint village = has a strong gay community
Open floor plan = hole in the wood floors under the carpeting
Owner hates to leave = agoraphobic owner
Many upgrades = still requires work
Many upgrades = mostly dated
Perfect for horses = agent is seeking a horse’s a_s to buy this
Prestigious neighborhood = high taxes
Exquisite home in prestigious neighborhood = super high taxes
Geo thermal heat = built over a landfill
Perfect for a discriminating buyer = dumb and rich
Hansel and Gretel = Ceilings way too low and someone died in the kitchen oven
Easy access = large hole in wall has not been repaired
Minutes to Kingston, Woodstock, Saugerties, Stone Ridge, and Catskill = too far to anyplace convenient
© Copyright 2010 Mitch Rapoport Woodstock, NY
Step-saver kitchen = you can just barely turn around in it
Super efficient layout = you can reach anything without walking more than 10 feet in any direction.
Compact design = perfect for people who weigh less than 140 pounds
Affordable = your children will no longer have to contribute towards the mortgage
Affordable = they will accept your second born in lieu of your first born
Fresh paint = covers the cat pee and mildew odor
Poor condition = you will probably fall through the floor during showings
Fair condition = bad condition
Good condition = not such good condition
Very good condition = we wish it were in better condition
Perfect for a large family = ultra wide doors
Perfect family compound = formerly used by a religious cult but the blood stains have been successfully removed
Full basement = you cannot fit another thing in the basement
Dry basement = used to be wet basement
Fully renovated = hidden problems
Adorable = under 400 square feet
Walk to all conveniences = across the street from a 24 hour convenience store
Walk to shopping = Salvation Army Thrift Store around the corner
Well-priced = couldn’t sell it for the previously listed price
Seller’s concession = they are willing to admit that it is in need of work
Garden tub = wash outside in the rain barrel
Charming = old
Original charm = very old
Classic original charm = very, very, old
Old World charm = still has outhouse in yard
Historic classic original charm = there are cave drawings on the living room walls
Minutes to the Thruway = you must sleep with noise canceling head gear
Just moments to the Thruway = the toilet accepts EZ Pass
Great for entertaining = has a stage with floor-to-ceiling poles in the family room
Patiently awaiting a new gardener’s touch = old gardener and his crop were taken away by the local authorities
Partial basement = hole in the dirt under the living room floor
Sweet = your grandmother would have enjoyed living in it, in fact her 1906 curtains are still hanging
1940’s house = has not see a bit of work for the last 70 years
1950's ranch = has not seen a bit of work for the last 60 years
1970's home = has not seen a bit of work for the last 40 years and has really ugly green shag carpets to boot, not to mention the plastic orange sink, tub, and toilet in the master bath
Perfect weekend retreat = you cannot stay there for more than 2 days at a time without becoming asthmatic
Cute = absurdly tiny
Needs TLC = Total Location Clean-out
Easily expandable mountain views = volcanic eruption has been imminently predicted
Waterfront property = flood has not yet receded
Investment property: live in one side rent the other = you will need a second income to pay the mortgage, or your lazy brother-in-law moves in temporarily and forget the extra income for the next 10 years
Great floor plan makes home feel larger than it actually is = ridiculously too small
Deck perfect for outdoor entertaining = house to small for company inside
Private backyard = public front yard, or directly on the road
Cute as a button = very small and you will need to keep your sweater buttoned up all winter long due to inadequate heating system.
Up and coming neighborhood = red lights over the doors have been removed
Safe neighborhood = next to the fire house or police station or all neighbors are already in prison
Commercial possibilities = directly on the road
Commercial possibilities = you probably wouldn’t want to live in this house unless the old gas pumps are removed
Commercial possibilities = was formerly a funeral parlor
Commercial possibilities = used to be Honest Bert’s Used Car Lot until he was shot
Ample parking = numerous bare spots where the junk cars have been removed
Seasonal spring = basement flood in the spring
Year-round spring = very wet basement
Corner lot = no privacy
Nice area = right next to a bad area
Near state land = prison across the road
Rare opportunity = no one else would even think about buying this property
Sits well back from the road = near the property’s rear cliff area
Quiet neighborhood = everyone else has abandoned their homes
Quiet neighbors = next to a cemetery
Serene property = has an old cemetery right on it
Circa 1890 = original furnace, sinks, and cesspool
Country charm = has permanently installed hard-wired Billy Bass singing fish on the walls of each room
Most beautiful home in the area = overpriced
Owner says make offer = overpriced
Will listen to offers = he just got a new hearing aid
Offers considered = then laughed at
Priced to the market = overpriced
Bring all offers = our fax machine is out or overpriced
Apartment rents under market = you’re lucky to get these rents
Well-priced = still room for negotiation
Enjoy frequent visits from the surrounding wildlife = tick infested
Enjoy frequent visits from the surrounding wildlife = strip joint next door
Enjoy frequent visits from the surrounding wildlife = drunken neighbor pees on your bushes
Mature trees = call a tree service immediately after purchase limbs are about to collapse on the roof
High on a hill = very steep driveway
Water feature = property floods
Arts and crafts house = looks like it was built by some kids at a summer camp
Greek revival style = used to be a really good diner and could be one again with work
Historic = seller’s great uncle was friendly with a butler who’s niece once worked as a cleaning girl for the same company that used to maintain the Roosevelt estate’s barns
Quaint village = has a strong gay community
Open floor plan = hole in the wood floors under the carpeting
Owner hates to leave = agoraphobic owner
Many upgrades = still requires work
Many upgrades = mostly dated
Perfect for horses = agent is seeking a horse’s a_s to buy this
Prestigious neighborhood = high taxes
Exquisite home in prestigious neighborhood = super high taxes
Geo thermal heat = built over a landfill
Perfect for a discriminating buyer = dumb and rich
Hansel and Gretel = Ceilings way too low and someone died in the kitchen oven
Easy access = large hole in wall has not been repaired
Minutes to Kingston, Woodstock, Saugerties, Stone Ridge, and Catskill = too far to anyplace convenient
© Copyright 2010 Mitch Rapoport Woodstock, NY